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Ok i'm cracking up. You can not move and expect everyhing to change. I was stupid to think it was possible to break the cycle. It is not enough to be on a different continent. I am still me. It does't matter how many times i keep jumping i am yet to fly away some one new. I don't know whether i can pick myself up for the fuckteenth time.

I can't stand my body. I dont even know how i got myself into such a mess of binging and throwing up. I still have nightmares. I still feel traped. Ony now i am even more lonely than before. And i cant go back, it is not an option.  am so so confused. I want so much to cut this right out of me.

I wish i could get mad, scream or throw something just once.
I am so confsed at the moment and a very lonely tuth be told.  All the hurt seems so never ending sometimes.

I could just really do with a friend right now. One who would listen without judging. Tell me the truth and not just what they think i want to hear. Hold me for a little while because actually they dont think i am too dirty to touch.

Mar. 22nd, 2008

 Was having major anxiety this morning when i woke up, so i binged and threw up twice before 11am. Great way to start the day.

I think my dreams are trying to tell me something but i don't know what. I'm afraid to listen to my body, for fear of what it has to say. I have thought about just laying out on the floor and relaxing and just letting whatever i need to feel or think about come to the surface but i just cannot do it. I can't feel present in this body like that. I know it sounds silly.

I am so so confused at the moment. I am writing a report on obesity intervention and my thought pattern turned to the philosophy of life and once again questioning what the point is in the first place. I don't know, is clarity overrated?

There are three kinds of people in this world; those that say "i don't have a problem"; those that say, " i have a problem but i am not going to deal with it"; and those that say, " i have a problem and i am going to fix it"

I guess i swing between all three at times but primarily i used to be the first kind, i.e. denial all the way. Then the second, knowing something is wrong but ignoring it anyway i.e. aware of the denial. The third makes you question why? I always have to understand why?

I don't get life? Whats the point? I'm going to die anyway, why not speed it up a little?

 

 I hate my body so so much. I can't cope with it.

I'm angry at the world at the moment. I don't like feeling anger. I don't like feeling full stop.
I care now, god damn it. Whatever happens now i am going to get burnt.

I had a really strange, unsettling dream last night. I dreamnt about football to start with, but then i started dreaming about bears. To start with there was one bear and i was frightend. It started by putting its paws round the door and i could see this bear. It was agressive and coming at me. I was trying to get away and i was trying to push the door closed. Then there was a second bear, this one didnt feature that much but i was aware of its presence. Then there was a baby bear. To start i was really afraid and they were really agressive but then something shifted and they were friendly and they left, and i picked up the baby bear and returned it to the moma bear.

Metaphor much.......

So after crying myself to sleep, i did wake up. Despite my aversion to living at the moment i managed to drag my ass out of bed and do all the things i was dreading to much and i have to say it wasn't as bad as i had anticipated. I did throw up though and am likely to again before i got to bed, i am just hating my body more than i can express.

Ok so things to do 2moro;

1) Get up

2)Survive

3)Go back to bed

Sometimes death can seem like a dream

I have a full day 2moro, i really can't face getting up and acting like everything is ok all day. I feel dirty, contaminated, disgusting, too fat, worthless. Am feeling cold and alone. I just want to die. 

I split him into two and i split myself into two at the same time. There was the little girl who got A's, a perfectionist, that held her own on the basketball court with the guys. That  little girl sent out the message that you can knock me down and i will get back up.

And then there was the little girl who played on her own, stopped eating, threw up, felt like she was dying, wanted to commit suicide, had nightmares. But i never could speak of her. She has no voice. She was stuffed down with food and thrown up, tortured with endless exercise, she cut her own wrists.

I feel trapped in my body. A body that doesn't feel like mine. Skin stained, contaminated, dirty, disgusting.

I never listen to it, i push it through all the pain barriers. maybe if i did listen it would say, i was ***** and how would i deal with that. 
 
Am struggling not to self harm. When i remember that hand on my leg i want to drive a knife into that leg. When i remember........it's just too horiible and dirty to type,  I imagine cutting my breasts off, slashing my wrists, driving knives into my back, driving knives into my groin.

I have stopped taking my anti-depressents and started saving them up again, just incase i need them. They are looking very tempting tonight, i don't think 30 would finish me off though but i have some painkillers as well.

What if i just did it? What if the world did actually finish 2moro? I don't belive in the after life, if you are dead you are dead-thats it nothing. I think this may be wishful thinking on my part. I don't feel very real anyway, so i wouldn't really be dying because i don't exist anyway.

*sigh*

Round and round she goes, where she stops nobody knows.

Housemate just tried her dress on and j tried mine on. We are going shopping tommorw for J to buy a new one, might give it a miss. I sold my ball ticket today. I could not face going. I feel too ugly, too vulnerable in a dress, my arms have too many scars. I hate the idea that the dress would suggest my sexuality. That people might look at me. That they might notice there is something not quite right about me, that i am damaged. I didn't realise i would feel so........i dont know what i feel but i felt a pang of something when i saw them with their dresses on. I pretend i don't want to dress up, that i don't want the fairytales that seem to happen to them but it's not becuase i don't, it is because, oh i dont know why, i'm just not allowed to. Besides i don't deserve it.

So last year i avoided it altogether, this year i bought the ticket but sold it. So maybe next year i buy the ticket and actually go.

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.

I would just like somebody to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok but i can't let anyone near me. And just when i think i am in a position to ask for a hug, to ask someone to reach out for me, i can't. I can't ask for anything. i swore to myself that i would never expect, need or want anything from this world or another person. S and A make me feel like i am worth something but at the same time i feel vulnerable. In putting some trust in them, i hand them the power to hurt me. I think it is worth that risk, instsinct tells me it is ok, but my instinct has been a little off in the past. I really can't win and as usual i am confused.

I don't know weather to get mad, cry, throw things, so i throw up. Great job facing up to what you are starting to feel.